Fatal Attraction
by touchtheskyx
Summary: [OneShot] The marauders decide that James' obsession with Lily is more than just an obsession. So what do they do? They cure him. How? Disposal, Distraction, Repetition and Socks. R&R!


**Fatal Attraction**

**I.** **The Diagnosis**

"Hey Moony, d'you know that girl in Hufflepuff who was flirting with me all week last week?"

"Every girl flirts with you Pad, and you expect me to remember one of them?" Remus asked exasperatedly.

"The hott one who wears short skirts, nice legs, heels..."

"Ah, that one," Remus said smiling. "Sure, what about her?"

"She cornered me after class and started making out with me and I was all 'Bitch what? D'you think I throw my love all round like that?' and she was all 'uh, yeah'. Can you believe that?"

"I doubt you'll be surprised to hear that I can..."

Sirius pouted.

"Can we talk about something other than Sirius love escapades for like, two seconds here?" James asked, sighing.

"What do you suggest we talk about then, Prongsy?" Sirius asked mockingly, but quickly exchanged worried looks with Remus - they knew what was coming.

"_My_ love escapades," James said.

Sirius hit himself on the head with his palm, causing himself to stumble backwords and crash into a suit of armor. Being Sirius Black, of course, he was able to cover it up and still look cool. When he hurried to catch up to his friends he found James already deep into his rant.

"... and then she refused to let me borrow her notes, so I asked why and she said because I was too distracted to take my own, and I told her it was her fault because she was the one distracting me and she got all mad..."

"Don't start this again, please?"

"What? Lily says..."

"_THIS_. Lily this, Lily that. She did this and she did, oh, what? That."

"It's not that bad, you talk about girl's more than I do mate and..."

"Prongs, I talk about multiple girls, you talk about one. It's a disease, I swear."

"Okay Doctor Padfoot, what would you perscribe for my condition?"

Sirius sighed and leaned back in his chair, pressing his fingers together in his lap in a very evil scientist-esque way. James was almost sorry he asked. "I'm not sure, Mr Potter, because it seems your condition may be fatal."

"Fatal?"

The corners of Sirius' mouth were twitching and Remus was starting to laugh. "Oh yes, horrible disease." Peter snorted and started laughing, unable to contain it any longer, at the exact time Sirius cracked. "Fatal attraction," Sirius choked out.

James frowned. "Oh, ha ha. What if I had a real fatal disease? Or if Lily killed me, I know she'd like to... would you find that funny? She would..."

"Not again!" Sirius cried, throwing his hands in the air. "Mate, seriously, you have a problem." He grinned evilly. "A problem I - we - are going to cure you of." He drummed his fingers on the arm rests of his chair sinisterly. James gulped.

"Cure me?"

"Oh yes," Sirius said. "You could die if we don't. Or never have a normal life again anyways, how will you deal when - we will from this point on call her 'Person X' - Person X gets married? Hmm? You'll have a heart attack. Which is why you need an cure here and now, before this growing epidemic captures some more innocent minds."

The three others stared at him blankly.

"Okay, so I got a bit too carried away," Sirius said and he stopped drumming his fingers. "But we will call her Person X, and we will cure you of your obsession."

"Why do I have the feeling this will not end well?"

**_Sirius' Progress Log  
November 19th_**

**_James has not taken well to the news that his obsessions could be his downfall. It will take work to cure him. Note: long speeches make you sound more stupid than brainy. Especially when you just use words you learned from soap operas and you have no clue what they mean._**

**_PS._ _The soap opera thing gets out to no one._**

"You watch soap operas?" Remus sniggered.

"_No one_," Sirius emphasized.

**II. Operation: Cure Fatal Attraction**

Stage One: The Disposal of Memorobilia

"Okay James, the first step to relieving yourself of this unfortunately fatal attraction to Person X is to rid yourself of all related posessions. I have laid out the ...er... shall we say, memorobelia, you have 'collected' over the years. You will now throw them away, please."

"This is ridiculous," James said, looking around at the items strewn over his bed.

"It's for your own good mate," Remus said somberly, holding out a regular black trash bag.

"You're going to make me throw away this? This is the first note she ever wrote to me, first year, telling me to shut up and pay attention because I was distracting her... I bet it was my stunning looks that she was so drawn to, I can't throw this away and... no, what about this picture? The one where you tied her to me and took a picure so I could send it home to my dad and tell him she was my girlfriend? I'm not getting rid of that! And I'm not getting rid of this... or this..."

"Er, what is that?" Peter asked, pointing at a small colorful mishapen ball of... something.

James fidgeted and blushed. "Just some gum, I must have dropped it sometime..."

"You kept her gum?" Remus looked revolted. "Put it in the bag, James."

"All of it?" he asked futily.

"Yes. Especially the gum, that's just creepy..."

"I told you, it's mine!"

"You said it fell out of your mouth, she probably chewed it first... in the bag, James," Sirius said, pointing at the bag held open by Remus.

Defeated, James scooped up the items, pausing to kiss the picture before he tossed it away.

"Good, we can begin step two tomorrow. You are on the road to rehabilitation, James," Sirius said, shaking his hand and walking stiffly out of the room. He poked his head back in. "Too much again, right?"

The three of them nodded, and Sirius nodded back. "Thought so. This whole evil doctor slash therapist attitude isn't really working for me."

"Oh, thank god," James said, slumping down on his bed as Sirius shut the door. "I can't do this!"

"You can do it, James," Remus said, putting his hand on James' shoulder. "I believe in you."

James stared at him.

"Too much?"

"Oh yeah."

**_Sirius' Progress Log  
November 25th_**

**_All Person X related items have been removed from the vacinity. They are headed off to... well, wherever the school garbage goes I guess. Hogsmeade? Nah, there's no garbage there... Note: find out where the school garbage goes. That information might be helpful to recover confiscated items etc._**

**_PS._ _I do not dumpter dive._**

**Stage Two: Repetetive Speech**

"Okay, the next step to your recovery is repetetive speech."

James raised his eyebrows. "I thought you were doing all this because you were curing me of repetative Lily... oops, sorry, 'Person X' speech."

"Ah, but this is entirely anti-Lily speech."

"Ahaha! You said her name!"

"Yeah, yeah, I know, but the Person X thing really isnt a very flattering name and when I was asking to borrow her notes today I accidentally called her that, she didnt take it well, I kept checking to see if my left buttocks had fallen off yet..."

"She tried to curse your butt off?" James asked looking slightly amused and slightly jealous.

"No, but she placed a well aimed kick right up my ass."

"You feel my pain now, brother," James said.

"Yeah, dawg, brother from another mother ya'll, you pickin' up what I'm puttin' down?"

"Dude, never give up your day job for thug life, you'd last about thirty seconds on the streets..."

"You don't dig my 'tude bitch?"

"Not a bit."

"Ah, well. I thought it might be a new good personna seeing as the evil scientist bit didn't work out... but I bet I'd last longer in the streets than you would in Asia!"

"Why wouldn't I last long in Asia?"

"Because... er... you smell bad!"

"You always were the king of insults, Padfoot," James told him.

"You're just jealous. Where's Pete and Remus?"

"Getting ready for the next step in your healing process, which reminds me you've stalled way to long and we have to get down to business."

"Do we have to?"

"Yes."

"We do?"

"Yes."

"For sure?"

"Yes."

"Can you tell I'm stalling?"

"Yes."

"Are you going to say yes to every question I ask?"

"Yes."

"So can I give up this whole get over Lily thing now?"

"Yes. Wait... no! You tricked me, not fair!"

"All's fair in love and war," James said.

"And this is neither considering there are no wands, goblins or guns involved and we are not in love."

"What happened to brother from another mother?"

"I suppose we love eachother in that chummy family way but stop, you're still stalling and doing a very good job of it."

"Thank you," James said.

"You're welcome... no! Down to business, right now! I want you to repeat after me: I will no longer think about Lily, making out with Lily, sitting with Lily, holding hands with Lily, studying with Lily, staring at Lily or getting in Lily's pants."

"You really expect me to remember all that enough to say it... how many times did you want me to say it?"

Sirius sighed. "I thought that was a good little speech, I wanted to make sure I covered everything you weren't supposed to think about."

"How about just 'I will no longer think about or look at Lily.'?"

"You have a talent, my friend."

"I know."

"No get down to it," Sirius said, standing up and pulling himself to full height. He made his voice sound deeper and blew on a whistle he had summoned. "Get going, get going! I don't have all day you pussies, get a move on!"

"Er..."

"Gym teacher get up not working either?"

"Not in the slightest."

"Damn."

James opened and closed his mouth as though the words were painful to form. "I will no longer think about or look at Lily. I will no longer think about or look at Lily. I will no longer think about or look at her sexiness and imagine her with her pants off. I will no longer think about or look at Lily..."

**_Sirius' Progress Log  
November 30th_**

**_James is good at stalling. Note: the personna thing doens't work out well. Besides, why would I want to be anyone other than hot, sexy me?_**

**_PS. If you think I'm cocky then you should hear what James thinks about himself... maybe that should be my next diagnosis? Cock syndrome?_**

**_PPS. That sounds very wrong indeed._**

**_PPPS. Moony just told me to add that he had no part in coming up with such an immature foul name and he would have thought up something much better to call such a horrible disease._**

"What does PS mean anyways?" Peter asked.

Sirius looked stumped. "Pirate scurvy? Pant Seams? Potato Skins?"

"Post script," Remus said.

"Naw, Moony, that's rediculous..." SIrius said.

**Stage Three: Throw Away All Good Socks - Only Holey Ones To Be Kept**

"What the hell does this have to do with me getting over Lily?"

"Erm... everything," Sirius said.

James raised his eyebrows.

"Okay fine, I like your socks and I want them for myself. Did you know that all my socks are hand-me downs from my grandpa?"

**_Sirius' Progress Log_**

**_December 4th_**

**_Note: I am not so poor that I can not afford socks, my parents just never thought I was worth buying new ones for._**

**_Potato Skin. That makes me sound like I'm unloved in my family. That is so not true, I'm very loveable._**

**_Peeled Potato Skin. That's a lie. My family hates me. But I hate them too, so I say they all go die in a fucking hole with a fucking bowtruckle attacking their skin so they die a slow painful death, though they won't actually die until so much skin is ripped off that they bleed to death. I wonder if they bleed Black?_**

"And what does that have to do with James' recovery?"

"Nothing, but if anyone ever reads this I wanted that cleared up."

**Stage Four: Distraction**

"Distraction? Isn't that part of the problem, that she distracts me?"

"No, my friend, you are the problem. So we're going to go fly around the quidditch pitch a bit, okay? And keep playing the phrase I told you to repeat in your head some more, like a broken record."

"Please don't tell me you're going to try for a DJ personna next?"

"Wasn't planning on it," Sirius assured him. "Now get on your broom and lets fly like we've never flown before, okay?"

After a while of aimless flying, 'round and 'round in circles, James called, "Can we stop now Sirius? My crotch hurts..."

"Oh come on, we've only been at it for... nine hours. Have you forgotten about her yet?"

"I had until you mentioned it again. The excrutiating pain of my groin was distracting enough, but if you think I'm going to can myself everytime I start to think of her..."

Sirius started laughing his loud, bark-like laugh. And then he crashed into a tree.

**Stage Five: Abort Mission**

**_Sirius' Progress Log  
December 4th_**

**_So I crashed into a tree. So what? James was distracted, at least for a little while. A temporary cure. But guess what? I don't give a damn, because I quit. Quit, quit, quit. He can go marry her for all I care, as long as I don't break any more bones._**

**_PS. I asked a teacher, and PS really does mean Post Script... what is that, writing on a post?_**

**_PPS. But what does PPS mean? Post Post Script? Ridiculous is what it is._**

"Hey mate, guess what?"

"What?" Sirius asked grumpily. "And why aren't you sad? You're at my deathbed here, you're supposed to be frowning, crying, anything!"

"Sorry," James said, still grinning.

"You're not."

"You're right. But you'll never believe what just happened..."

**_Sirius' Progress Log  
December 4th_**

**_Well go figure. It turns out that Lily noticed he wasn't paying attention to her, got curious, asked about it, she found it hilarious, thought it was all 'touching' and shit that he would do all that for her (even though I thought it was all for us... girls have strange minds) and then she agreed to go out with him. All my hard work, and now they're DATING? At least he can talk about her with her instead of me... what happened to Bros before hoes?_**

"Sirius, don't say stuff like that?"

"Like what?"

"Bros before hoes?"

"What, I'm gangsta like that," he said, grabbing his log back as he walked down the hall with the rest of the marauders. They exchanged looks and sped up, leaving him behind. "Hey, wait guys... I didn't even say it, I wrote it! Okay fine, don't wait. I'm down with that. Yo."

----

**AN:** Hee hee. Well, that was fun to write. Lots of fluff. Very random. It doesn't really fit in with The Stag and the Doe, so I gave it it's own story. Review for me lovelies?


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